One day you’re on cloud nine, exploring all these amazing new places and seeing strange animals and sights, and the next day it loses the sparkle. I can’t quite tell you when I started to feel this way but its something that’s been playing on my mind a lot. When I was in Bangkok I was honestly a click away from changing my flight from Australia to the UK and I don’t know why but I didn’t. It was like a sudden feeling came over me, like I wasn’t ready to go home entirely. I always thought travelling would make me realise what I wanted to do as a career and I’d discover some unknown things about myself. I was disappointed to find that this wasn’t the case, at least not at that moment in time.
I guess the point is this, you never realise you’ve changed in the moment, it’s only weeks after the fact when you look back and realise that you’ve reacted differently than you would of when you were your past self. It’s hard to put into words the feeling, but it feels good, really good, when you don’t cry or act like the world is ending but rather react with a simple okay and a step back to analyse why something happened and how best to move forward.
Yesterday I realised what I want to pursue as a career. Today I feel like I’m figuring out my life long plan and tomorrow I’m hoping I’ll have an answer for the present. At the moment I’m in an awkward kind of limbo between the UK and Australia. I literally cannot get a job anywhere and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because my hearts not in it, at least not right now. I feel like my heart is ready to come home, but my willpower is so strong and stubborn. I said I would do a year, maybe two, maybe four if I went to NZ for a while and I’m finding it hard to allow myself to let go. In my mind it’s a sort of giving up. It’s just so hard to think about how I could be progressing in the UK whilst I just exist in Australia.
I really truly do not know what I’m going to do or if my decision will be the right one, but I guess what’s life without risks hey? I took the biggest gamble coming here, but if I hadn’t I would still be staring at lab dips and feeling indifferent over three identical shades of pink. I think we always end up where we are supposed to be, or at least I like to think that way as it makes me a little less apprehensive and more excited. All shall be revealed in time.
Ever since I hit Cairns on the East Coast I’ve felt stagnated, I couldn’t really get a proper job (even though I had a terrible brief time doing door to door sales hahaha) because I knew I would be leaving soon for Thailand. I fly in 4 days and I couldn’t be more excited, and not only because I’ll have a month to sit on the beach all day every day, but because when I return to Australia I can finally get a job and earn some dollars. I saved pretty hard to come out here, granted I never quite knew what I was saving for, but without fail every month I was putting away 300-500£. When I go home I want to have the same amount saved up so I won’t struggle and so the remaining 6 months of my visa will be work work work to regain my savings.
I think when I head back to England in December/January I’ll move up north, rent a cheap but cute house and live happily ever after. Part of me thinks I should explore the UK while I can, I’ve never been to Scotland or Ireland, which is a shame because they’re so close. Doing this trip solo has changed my view on the world endlessly, there are so many beautiful places just waiting to be explored. I used to spend weekends head first in a Dominos and in arms that didn’t love me, when I could of been going on spontaneous trips to somewhere that would make me feel more alive than a lazy Sunday in bed ever could. I think I want to take driving lessons when I get home (I have a full UK license but I’m an insanely nervous driver and just can’t) and then buy a camper van to explore the UK in.
I want to be doing a job I love with something that truly inspires me. I want to have goals that make me excited and motivated to succeed. I don’t have a clue what I’ll be doing a year, a month or even a week from now, but that’s what’s exciting about life. I used to hate spontaneity – random gifts and surprises would actually make me upset because I’ve always been a control freak. I still cringe over when he bought me speakers and I didn’t even know what to say except “I don’t want them”. Opps. I absolutely hated the idea of not being in charge, but now I realise that actually it’s so liberating and gives you a sense of freedom to just let go and see where life takes you.
In Thailand Im not too sure what I’m doing or where I’m going. My best friend and I have our flight booked to Chiangmai the day she lands and a night in a hostel, but apart from that, nothing. Usually I’d be anxious to not have precise plans and dates, but it’s nice to have the freedom and the choice to explore anywhere, wherever and whenever you want. I feel like maybe travelling has turned me into a bit of a hippy, just a little bit, and I even own a rainbow tie dye dress – yes, me.
C’est la vie, what will be will be.